Discouraged...

It's been some time since I've posted. Since I last submitted an entry, I was able to come back home to my husband, for which I was very thankful. Homecoming was sweet, but my time has been so short.

I am completely healed. I can lift again, I walk 2 miles a day with Leslie Sansone. My feet still cause me some problems; however, I perservere. My walks are uber important and rare is the day I miss one.

To date, I have lost 53 lbs. YESSSSSSS!

My clothes hang on me. I have nothing new to wear, which is ok--I am not buying new clothes during this leg of the journey.

So what's my problem?

I can't eat.

I have no appetite and no cravings. And all I can eat is 4 bites.

There will be a call to my surgeon tomorrow. I kept thinking I would get past this. That it was part of the healing. I don't know if it is normal. If it is, ok, then. Fine. If it is not then I need to know what to do.

Seriously... FIVE bites and I'm in visiting the toilet to get rid of that 5th bite.

So I just don't understand. Hopefully understanding will come tomorrow when I call Dr. Jandali.

More entries to come. My 2nd month post-op picture will be at the end of the week!

I love my surgeon!

Yesterday afternoon, I saw my surgeon for the last time before going home. I absolutely love my surgeon--he is such a caring individual and always is there to help--no matter what.

I was weighed and my weight loss is now 44 lbs in under 5 weeks. This was an afternoon weigh-in, not a first-thing-in-the-morning weigh-in, so I'm sure it's a bit less. Dr. Jandali was THRILLED. I said, "I've done good, haven't I?!" and he said, "You did better than good; you're doing EXCELLENT."

More than any other accolade I've ever received, I felt as though I just graduated Summa Cum Laude from Harvard.

He has released me to go home, he let me go on soft foods and wants to see me in February. I got their e-mail address to mail my pictures to them. He said to me, "We are a phone call away." I know he means it.

I'm on my way. The path will not always be easy, but I know I have a wonderful team watching, encouraging and supporting me.

Life is good. And I am so very thankful for such a good start.

November 6--One month post-op

Today is my 1-month anniversary. I am down about 40 lbs. in the first month. I look forward to more months of continued success!

A week from Monday I am finally able to go home. I cannot wait--so anxious to be with my family again.

Today finds me with a lump in my gullet; I swallowed some water too quickly. This is one of the "downs" in the "ups & downs" of life as a bariatric patient!

Though I don't know that *I* can tell a difference, here are my pre-op and current pictures:

Onward and downward

Week 3, I have now lost a total of 34 lbs. My nausea was not subsiding at all; I asked Dr. Shepler about it and he handily prescribed me a nausea pill. Little miracle workers, they! I am delighted that I was free of nausea for the first time in a couple weeks. I instantly became a happy camper.





I continue to walk. Somedays I get 4 walks in; other days 2.





My plans to go home have been finalized--finally! I get to go home on the 15th. I can't express enough gratitude to my sister for all her hospitality and being there for me. I think she was the exactly right person for this role. I hope someday I can appropriately thank her though she would say it isn't necessary. I'm just anxious to go home and be with my family.





Never did I think I would be here for two months. I was thinking 6 weeks. But that's not how it worked out. Two weeks doesn't seem that long, but it is.





Last weekend we went to Amish country. I loved seeing the sheaves of corn stalks in the fields...

Anyway, I go to the doctor tomorrow. I am 4 weeks post-op today. I will be anxious to see what the scale is doing. I still have a weird unjustified fear that I have gotten to 30 lbs., and that's all it's going to be.

I cannot wait to get onto soft foods. I am pretty tired of refried beans, egg beaters and so on. Tonight I am going to try lentil soup... while my sister has BBQ ribs. LOL... the injustice! Ah well, I don't regret it. Once my food options open up a bit, I'll be a bit more satisfied. I go to soft foods on the 9th. Can't wait!

Transition

I got home on the 9th of October in the evening. I was on a liquid diet... I could have pudding, protein drinks, and I think cottage cheese. Chicken broth and so on. It didn't have to be CLEAR liquids, just liquids.

My next appointments were for Monday w/ my GP, Dr. Shepler, and my surgeon, Dr. Jandali on Wednesday.

The first couple days home, I slept, walked and hardly "ate" anything. When they do the surgery, they cut away (or disconnect) the top curve of the stomach, which they've identified as the area that has a hormone there--which controls appetite. Whoa, they aren't kidding. I have NONE.

The walks were not huge. I walked to my sister's mailbox or something simple like that. It was still a bit uncomfortable and I absolutely needed my binder.

Monday I saw my GP. He was thrilled with my progress... my incisions were looking good and I was feeling rather well. Eating wasn't on my priority list, and I was doing my best to drink/sip as much as I could. I still have not reached 64 oz... there's just no room to put it!

Dr. Shepler saw my bloodwork and told me I didn't need to take the potassium anymore. YAY. This was something they gave me upon leaving the hospital because it was low. Dr. Shepler was happy enough with my results that he freed me from this nasty pill (it had to be ground and it tasted HORRIBLE).

I never went back on my blood pressure pill. Dr. Shepler asked me to wait on my anti-depressant, and so I agreed. My new meds list is:

Armour Thyroid 120 mg.
Sugar-free TUMS (2/day)
Children's vitamins (2/day)
Prevacid (dissolvable) 1/day (and believe me, that's enough! YUCK)

Wednesday, I saw Dr. Jandali. I weighed. One week, post-op, I lost SEVEN POUNDS!

He, too, was thrilled with my progress. Said I was doing well and was all smiles. I *heart* my doctors!

At that visit, he put me on pureed foods. I was thrilled at the time. Progress, and able to eat something different.

My niece sent me some pureed food made by Thick-It. It was "salisbury steak". It tasted pretty good. At the time, I thought it was ambrosia. But the Thick-It was not so wonderful when I got to the seasoned chicken. :-P. Now I cannot eat it at all.

Eggs (well, Egg Beaters) didn't fare any better. I was starting to feel nauseous all the time. Nothing tasted good; ANYthing going anywhere near my pouch made me feel wretched. Debra was not a happy camper.

I started feeling like I was sliding down a slippery slope toward depression. But because I was nauseous all the time, I couldn't say for sure that this is what it was.

Barry came to visit. It was so nice to see him and spend the weekend with him. We went to Horicon Marsh on Saturday. I was so happy to see him. He came with me to my Dr.'s appointment first thing Monday morning so he could meet Dr. Shepler.

I weighed myself. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was down 13 pounds this week alone, making my weight loss in two weeks a total of 20 pounds!!!

I couldn't wait to see Dr. Jandali the next day. The nausea was still happening, but I didn't talk to the doctor about it; I was second-guessing myself, and thought it was normal and it would subside.

Eating was still spotty. I have no desire to eat anything... and nothing tastes good. In fact, it tastes like paste in my mouth. UCK. Drinking water doesn't help the nausea either.

Did I do the right thing? Will I live with nausea now for forever? These are the doubts and questions I had in my heart.

The next day I saw Dr. Jandali. My official weigh-in. I lost in one week, 16 lbs. This is when, I believe, all the excess fluid in my ankles left me. I am happy to say that even today, my ankles have not swollen up again. That makes me so incredibly happy, as I have been suffering with this for years.

So far, small victories:

• No more swollen ankles
• No appetite
• Loss of 23 lbs. in two weeks' time!
• Healthy and progressing well

Progress comes in phases

After 1.5 days in CCU, I was transferred up to what they referred to as "5 Parker". Fifth floor in the round wing. I was still sore, but was thankful for my "binder"... it's like a big girdle for the mid-section. I had to increase my walking. I remember what a production it was to GET up and get moving. I used a wheelchair to walk behind.

Here's in my "regular" med/surg room:

Pictures of my war wounds:

I had 8 incisions--2 of them for my umbilical hernia, which was a bonus "fix" as I thought I would have to have a 2nd surgery to get it fixed.

Recovery in Med Surg was a lot of sleeping (I was given morphine every four hours and that really knocked me out), walking, and trying to sip blue Gatorade. They want you to drink the gatorade so if the blue appears in the drains, they know they have a leak. Leaks inside are not a good thing and could be fatal if they didn't catch it. Luckily my surgeon is fabuloso and I didn't have a leak. I had NO desire to eat. It wasn't even on my brain.

During the process of changing one's stomach, they cut away the part of the stomach that controls hunger as well as fat absorption. I still don't have much of an appetite 3 weeks post-op.

Surgery was on a Wednesday. On Friday, I got my first dinner tray. One TINY little cup of strained cream-of-something soup. I dipped a spoon in there and what was on the spoon was my first bite of food. I think I had 2 dipped spoons of soup. Later, I got another soup and a small container of cottage cheese. I had 2 tiny bites of that. Food is my lowest priority now. VERY strange.

I also was able to have a bowel movement on Friday. Everyone at the hospital was so thrilled, even my bombdiggety surgeon. I knew that would mean I would be released the next day.

I couldn't have asked for better care at Kenosha Hospital. It was worth every bit of the time spent away from home to know that I was in such good hands.

Saturday came and both my GP and surgeon visited me and signed off on my discharge. I got to get dressed. Kathy and I took a walk to the solarium and walked around a little bit waiting for the nurses to discharge me.

Here I am with my drains and central line still attached... they had to remove these before I left...

When the time came for them to remove my central line, it was creepy... I mean, they withdrew a line that was about 12 inches long out of my jugular vein.

The drains were even more strange because they were on my right side and it felt like they were withdrawing a 22 inch snake out from just under my skin... very strange sensation. (The catheter came out the day before and it, too, was very strange).

Finally at 4:47 pm I was able to go home. I got my discharge instructions and was escorted by wheelchair and a tech to Kathy's car. We drove straight back to her place (probably a mile at the most), where I got comfortable.

It was so good to be out of the hospital... let the next phase of the journey begin!

It's been 2 weeks since my surgery. I best talk about it!


My surgery was scheduled for October 6, 2010. I needed to be at the hospital at 5:00 a.m. I needed to take a shower with antibacterial soap prior to coming. My sister had a bottle of Hibiclens so I used that.



We got to the hospital and it was really empty!

























It seemed no sooner had I sat down before they were escorting me back to the pre-op area.
























They took me back to the pre-op area and I donned a fashion-forward gown and those funky slippers with the grippy things on the bottom. My veins begrudgingly gave up some blood and my IV was started in my hand. After about an hour, they let my sister in to see me; she snapped some pictures:

























Don't you just adore the chapeau?






















The time came... time to have my surgery. They rolled me to the operating suite and instantly started working on me. I saw a woman working on yards upon yards of forceps and other surgical equipment. There were other people talking with me (I suppose to keep me focused and not freak out; not that I would, but they didn't know that). They had me scooch over onto this TINY (width-wise) operating table (I've never seen anything so narrow, but I was on it). Then they started restraining my arms. Somehow we got on the subject of Tempur-Pedic beds and they wanted to know all about it (ha).


The anesthesiologist told me they were going to put me to sleep now and put the mask over my head. He told me to take some deep breaths. Soon I felt like I was half outside myself and I remember nothing else.

Next thing I remember I was in recovery. I opened my eyes and saw my highly esteemed surgeon, Dr. Mahjed Jandali. He waved at me and smiled and I tried to utter a cheery "HI" but it wasn't there. Lights out again.

Next thing I remember I was in CCU (Critical Care Unit). They kept trying to talk to me. I tried to respond, but it's pretty foggy--even today. I remember Kathy (my sister) being there asking me how I was doing. She told me that they did everything laproscopically (I was terrified that they were going to do a big belly incision). They took my gallbladder out and took pictures of it... I guess it was so diseased they were amazed that I never had pain there. They also fixed my umbilical hernia--something I thought was going to require a 2nd surgery. THANK YOU!!

Since I've been home, she told me that they didn't wait very long before making me walk. Walking is critical in preventing leg clots--which is often one of the most serious complications from this surgery. Not the surgery itself, but the leg clots which can come from not walking.

I am not going to give you all a blow-by-blow of all my dieting woes or the pain of being a fat person in a skinny world. There are many--I could do a blog on that alone. About how we are supposed to be tolerant of gays, blacks, hispanics, asians. Tolerant of people with disabilities and medical issues (diabetes comes to mind).

Obesity is the last acceptable form of discrimination. And in all I have learned on this journey, NOT ONE person wishes to be obese.

Obesity is not a choice. Holding onto this mindset is akin to holding onto the thought that women "ask for it" when they experience sexual harrassment. No, they don't. Neither do obese people "ask for it" by eating food.

Look at People magazine. They photograph star after star enjoying ice cream and everyone thinks it's wonderful. An obese person could eat the same size ice cream serving and everyone judges them--"what are they doing eating ice cream; like they need it."

I have dieted myself fat. Try not eating for 4 months and see what that does to your metabolism. I would venture to say that many (MANY) obese people have starved themselves into the size they are. I would also wager that they also have metabolic problems, thyroid issues, and hormonal imbalances which sets them up for failure simply by their DNA and genetic makeup.

Onward and upward, though--I need to get to the point where I can talk about my surgery before I forget a lot of it. I want this to be informative and accurate.

A friend of mine had bariatric surgery in 2008. She has--to date--lost 180 lbs. She has kept her weight off to date and has a whole new life.

I never would have considered this. My mind was pretty closed about bariatric surgery. I have tried so many diets and thought if I could just find "the one that would work for me" I wouldn't need to go that route.

Well, there isn't one that works--I believe I have tried them all. Dr. Phil asks the famous question: How's that workin' for you?. When I applied this to my attempts at weight loss, I had to say that it wasn't working too well.

I read a book written by a woman who had bariatric surgery. I didn't realize it at the time that my self education about bariatric surgery had begun. A shift in my thinking was taking place.

I talked with Barry about it and he didn't seem overly enthused. It didn't matter. Over the course of 2008, in watching Beth's success, my continued failure or ability to lose weight (the most recent being going to Weight Watchers and over the course of 26 weeks losing 6 lbs.) , I had made the decision I was going to try to go forward with bariatric surgery.

Oh lucky day! In some investigative work, I found out my company did cover bariatric surgery provided the patient had a BMI of >40. Cakers. I was at about 50 or so.

October 9, 2009, I had my first appointment with Dr. Neil Shepler. He is my sister's doctor and is a big believer in bariatric surgery for morbidly obese people. He works with Dr. Majed Jandali as the surgeon, and United Healthcare has an entire program (nutritionist, exercise physiologist, physical therapy, after care, etc.)

Next lucky thing: These doctors, although I was in Maryland and they were in Kenosha Wisconsin, were IN MY NETWORK!! YEE HA!

I met with both doctors that day. I had a long road before I could get my surgery done. Most insurance companies require:

• Six months seeing a doctor (documented) that you worked on a diet and exercise program;


• Visits with a nutritionist;


• Visit with an exercise physiologist;


• A psychological exam by someone who can document for insurance that you are a good candidate for surgery and a life with a changed "interior".

So every month, even through winter, I flew to Kenosha. I couldn't schedule anything with Dr. Jandali (surgeon) until I had all the above completed. We call it being admitted "past the golden door". My visits with the doctor were all productive. Not lengthy--they knew what they needed to ask and document. I found a wonderful psychologist that met with me and knew that I'd been doing a lot of mental preparation and I would be a good candidate for the surgery.

After my 6th appointment, it worked out that Dr. Shepler asked Dr. Jindali to do me a favor and see me the same day so we could get moving on submitting my entire documentation as soon as possible. I was anxious and hopeful to have the surgery done in June so I could be well on my way before the end of 2010.

My documentation was submitted to insurance. I found out that I shouldn't expect any answer for at least four weeks. Four weeks into waiting, I got my answer. I WAS APPROVED!!!

Unfortunately, because of the schedule at work, it didn't appear that I was going to be able to schedule right away. No, that would have to wait. So it was determined my surgery date would be October 6, 2010. Dr. Shepler would assist in surgery. It comforted me to know he would be there.

All my life I've been a hefty individual. I get it from my great grandmother, Clara. No, seriously. I'll show a picture of her someday and you could plop my head on her body and that would be me.

Here's me at 3. Looking at this picture, I don't think I look at all chubby, but I definitely was bigger than other kids my age.

What difference did it make at 3 anyway? NONE.

At 12, my mother put me on a diet. It was Weight Watchers. Everyone at church was doing it (it was new). Honestly, I didn't know what a "self image" was until I was told by my parents that I needed to lose weight. It killed me to have my sister and brother able to eat anything they wanted, while I had to try and trick myself that bean sprouts were "spaghetti". Or eat 4 oz. of tuna fish on plain dry wheat bread scraped with mayo EVERY DAY for lunch. They didn't mean it, but when they started this diet thing, it said to me "you aren't good enough as you are." Lots of therapy to take care of that.

Here's me as a freshman in high school. We went away to boarding school (it was a parochial school) in Michigan. The first time we were anticipating our parents to come and visit, I was so excited. I think it was an October break. I saw their car driving up, an made a bee-line for their car. The first thing my mother said was, "You've gained weight." This would be THE topic of discussion for years. All I know is that looking back on these as an adult was a completely different experience than seeing yourself as your parents did at such a tender age.

EVERYthing revolved around my weight. That endless, impossible cyclical attempt to get it right. It didn't help that I was born a bigger person. It didn't help that all my friends were itsy bitsy (and their parents were, as well!). And it didn't help that my sister was the popular one and allowed free reign with the fridge.

Over the course of the years, I have tried so many diets it would be impossible to list them all. Here is a non-comprehensive list:

• Weight Watchers
• Ayds (does anyone remember these hateful, nasty "candies"?) I can't tell you what it was like sitting in high school eating Ayds with some boring hot coffee in a thermos while others were eating cafeteria food.
• Fruit diet
• In 1976, I went on a diet getting shots of pregnant women's urine and 500 calories. I had to drive to Waukegan EVERY DAY to get a shot. I couldn't even touch something like hand lotion. I was starving and it was totally unnecessary.
• In 1977, I did ProLinn... you know, that diet of nothing but liquid protein where people died from taking it. I did it under a doctor's care; however, the people that died, did not. I fasted for four months and didn't touch food. I was told later I was lucky I didn't die when I started eating food again. This screwed up my metabolism pretty much for forever.

I did lose weight from time to time. I had great willpower. I always always always wanted to be thin. I would dream about "when I get skinny" all the clothes I would wear and what I would look like. But inevitably, all these diets in the 70s and 80s were not permanent. My weight continued to go up and my success continued to wane.